A Time for Peace and Reflection

I've been noticing somethings lately in my life, some trends that have amazed and baffled me.

The cause of the reflections I've had on my life have been triggered by a great many lessons in church.

Over the last two months I've been surprised at the incredible lessons and messages given on my favorite topic, trials.

This is my favorite topic because, as much as I complain about my life and all the hardships I think I have, I know that I am so blessed and I know that my life has seen very few major catastrophes. 

This is my favorite because of the terrible way that I handle my challenges in life.

While others are going through incredible hardships they give the most amazing advise and come up with incredible quotes that I can't help but be inspired to get through my small ones with a better attitude and more appreciation for all that is around me.

Looking back over my life I can't help but think that I have always been going through something.

Some challenge, some mountain, some obstacle for me to get over.

Like I said I usually start these hardships out very badly, complaining, blaming, questioning, failing, giving up, not even trying, falling down and crying, doing nothing but living in my own private Hell.

Sometimes it takes a while for me to get out of these stages of depression. 

I still feel so much guilt for how much stress I caused those closest to me who took my pain on them or who treated badly thinking I was somehow justified.

Before I keep going in my guilt I wanted to write what I came to write.

This isn't a message of all my trials in life, this is a message of the beautiful peace that can be given.

It's of a miracle that no one knows about but me.

I have always wanted a large family.

Because of my own stressed out ways and high anxiety I have come to realize this is not going to be the case for me.

It's not so much Scott's challenges, I know that every child brings its own set of challenges to any mother and not mater how one feels prepared, motherhood is a hard job.

I just don't think I can handle a large family and be the mother I want to be to a lot of children.

So Mark and I felt it was best to wait to have more children till we had a handle on things.

And when I say handle I mean till Caroline could handle life everyday.

When we both knew it was time we got scared.

We started to question again.

This wasn't a stiring of thought like in the scriptures telling us to hold off again, it was Saten trying to change our minds, using fear.

So I have come to realize from all my favorite lessons over the years that one must spray for faith in these situations.

I prayed for faith and peace.

I COULD NOT GO FORWARD WITH STRESS.

We knew we it was time so went we forward with faith.

We were kinda amazed at how quickly I got pregnant, laughingly saying that The Lord was REALLY ready to send us a sweet one.

After I found out I was terrified again.

I started to slip into the stress and the worry and I knew that my reaction to trials was about to kick in.

So I prayed.

Such a small sentence.

Such a small thing.

Such an easy thing.

I found no answer to my stresses and worries.

Nothing that wiped them away making them void.

The Lord simply put them on the back burner.

How do I know that The Lord did it, because I don't know how to do that.

People tell me to do that be I really don't understand how that works.

But The Lord does so he did it for me.

Then one day, a Saturday, I started bleeding.

We went to the hospital ER and they told me it was a 50/50 chance I would loose the baby.

I had an appointment with my new doctor on Monday and I should just wait to see what she said.

So I went home and waited.
I prayed and listened.
I felt like if I lost the baby it would be ok.
I would be ok.
I wouldn't do that thing I always do and freak out.
I would be ok.
We would try again.
I went to the appointment with a friend for support and for another set of ears t remember what was said.
She also has a little bit of a medical background and her husband is a doctor who always translates everything for me.
The doctor said it wasn't quite 50/50 but more like 20%.
I was on a step above bed rest.
Meaning I could only do what needed to be done, for Scott and for the home but other then that I needed to rest.
Resting so much caused a lot of pondering.
I wondered with all the stages of worry if I truly wanted another baby.
Not just if I was ready but is this really what I wanted at this time.
What if this child had issues?
What if this child is a boy?
I REALLY want a girl.
It is so hard for me to give up control.
Or rather I really want control.
But we are not here to gain control.
We are here to gain experience.
The best way to gain experience is to have trials and give up the illusion of control.
So I gave it up and told the Lord I really wanted this baby.
I told him I would be done trying to control this situation.
I want this baby no matter what challenges this baby brings me.
I want this baby for all the joy this baby is going to bring me.
I want this baby for all the joy I can bring to this baby.
All the things I can teach the angel and all the love I can give it.
Here's the miracle.
I found peace.
All the things to stress about and fear and I found peace.
Not just relief but peace.
Things are getting better and I believe that the problems are subsiding.
I still wonder what the future will bring for my baby but I can't stress too much when there is so much peace in my life.
I have been loving these lessons in church lately.
I'm not feeling like this is a time of trial for me right now.
Weird feeling, great change of pace.
It's my time of peace and I am trying to continue the lessons I have learned while in my time of trials and not becoming complacent.
I wonder at times that if this is the calm before the storm.
But there's one thing that I can't shake.
I got the incredible opportunity to stop and decide if I want this baby.
I want this baby and I want all the storms that come along with it.
I can do this.

Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.
John 14:27