One of Them Days

My life is full of highs and lows.

Today I feel low.

We had another appointment for Scott.

I was looking forward to it because we were going to discuss with the doctor what we do now that he has a diagnosis.

It was a fine visit but I didn't leave feeling as optimistic as before.

Today I left feeling incredibly over whelmed.

This is how I'm feeling put into another situation.

Let's say you find out that you have cancer.

What are some of the thoughts or feelings you may have?

You probably feel scared.

You probably start wondering what this means for you.

Your life might flash before your eyes.

You may go through some denial.

Your future life may flash before your eyes.

Every dream of the future may feel shaken.

You talk to the doctor about your options and you say you're going to fight this thing.

You may feel like you have a responsibility to others to be strong, after all, you don't want them stressing the way you are.

And some days you feel good.

Some days you are strong and you know that you will be strong.

But other days that's not the case.

You may feel bitter those days.

You may feel angry.

You may think, "I never asked for this."

You may wonder why.

You may get bugged every time you hear somebody complain about their healthy body.

There are so many things that people wonder and worry about.

I don't know if what I described is right, I've never had cancer or any health issues for that matter.

But I have felt many of those emotions I've described.

I've had my whole life flash before my eyes wondering what did I do to cause this?

I've questioned all my dreams for the future.

I've been bugged hearing people complain about things that I only dream would happen to me.

I've thought, "I never asked for this, so why is it happening?"

I'm having one of those bitter days right now.

I'm wondering if I'll ever "beat" this, because I don't think anyone can truly "beat"this.

Scott has aspergers.

He will always have aspergers.

He will always have something that will make him "not normal" and we will always feel like we need to fix it.

I know, I know, "no ones normal" and "if he didn't have this then there would just be something else to worry about."

I know, I've heard it all before, not just by you but by myself.

I just feel so over whelmed with all that we are going to need to do to get Scott to do things that come naturally to everyone else.

It's like trying to teach someone how to beat their own heart.

How do you describe how to do that?

I don't know, you just do it.

Scott thinks differently then others.

He thinks differently from me.

I have to try to figure out how he thinks so I can figure out how to teach him to do something that I was never taught how to do because I never had to think about it, I just did it.

Hard.

I know I've already written a novel but I had to share this amazing sweet story.

While dwelling on all the above I started crying.

I'm a bit of a baby like that.

Well Scott was playing and I didn't think he'd notice.

For those who watch Parenthood and know Max they know that typically children with aspergers don't understand emotion, they are very logical and need facts to back things up and to make sense.

Well Scott did notice me.

He came right up to me, looked right in my eyes (again, not at all typical) and we had the following conversation.

"It's OK mom, it's OK."

"I'm OK Scott."

"Are you sad mom?"

"Yes, mom's sad."

"What's wrong Mom? What's wrong?"

"Mom's had a hard day."

He leaned over and kissed my cheek.

Scott doesn't give kisses, he lets you kiss him but he doesn't ever give them, this time he puckered up and kissed my cheek.

He then wiped my tears away.

He then got up and said,

"You're scared mom, it's OK."

He then ran away and I sat there shocked thinking this doesn't solve any of my problems but how do I stay sad after that?

He came back to me maybe a minute later and sat on my lap facing me.

He asked, 

"Are you happy now mom?

Be happy."

I told him he made me happy and we sang if you're happy and you know it.

My life is full of highs and lows.

Today I feel low.

Tomorrow I don't know how I'll feel.

But I do know that I will get back up to my high.

I will get excited for the future and life wont feel like it does now.

Like the poets say, it's always darkest before the dawn.